Well, it seems he has reached that stage of his development. He is going through separation anxiety. Currently, at almost 9 months old, he is very attached to Mommy. He has not shown as having as much issue with Daddy (aka me) disappearing. I 'm not entirely certain how i feel about this.
On the one hand, as a direct result of this preference, i am a little more free to do things and not really needing to worry about a small human clinging to me at all possible times. I feel for my wife, really i do. It can be a bit of strain. This neediness carries itself like a double edged sword. There is no greater joy and there is no greater frustration. His preference for mater versus pater does give my wife one advantage, i tend to have to do more household stuff 'cause the imminent meltdown threat (of course, this is not really that much of an advantage).
I know there is a reason for the separation anxiety. I remember reading about it, learning about it. Somehow books don't really capture the experience.
Now, on the other hand, i try not to take it too personally that he wants Mommy more than me. This is hard yet slightly easy, in a weird paradoxical way. I try not to buy into the whole masculine mindset stereotype, i.e. tough, stoic, etc. etc. stuff, but i find there is some residual truth to it. On one level, i totally accept and don't feel any emotion sting from his preference. I am guessing this comes directly from the "Unnh Me Man Me No Care" primordial part of the brain (which ever part that may actually be). On a deeper level, and i suppose this is the Paternal Part of the brain, i feel a sense of anguish and rejection - which is a direct reflection of my love for my son. After all, if i didn't love him i wouldn't care if how he reacted to me. This deeper part of this exerience wasn't there before my son.
Logically, i can tell myself that it's only a phase and it won't be forever. Abstractly, i can identify the theories about the reasons and purposes of this experience. I can evaluate it on clinical level and acknowledge it's status as being benign. These cold hard rationales can keep me grounded and not let me feel what it feels like and keep me overly safe.
But i would be utterly lying to myself if i accepted them as absolutes and allowed no quarter for presence of my emotions. I would be doing far more damage, definitely to myself and probably to my son.
The reality is that these are little paper cuts of existential turmoil. They hurt like hell but they heal pretty quickly. I cannot harbor them. I cannot hold these rejections against my son (and i feel sorry for anyone having been in my experiential position as actually place blame on one so young for these rejections). He's too little to understand adult level of emotions. He's just trying to make sense of the world.
Others may feel bad that he overtly favors my wife over me. They would seek to comfort and attempt to soften how this might sting. I'd rather they didn't. I rather it wasn't denied. I know and accept that this is simply what it is. There is no malicious intnet by his actions (he's too young for malice). If anything, this reinforces two things for me: 1) my unconditional love for him and 2) brings my feelings to the surface so they can be felt and fully experienced.
My time will come. It is part of the process. Father and son will find a way to bond. This whole separation anxiety thing is just priming that bond.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
What a Difference...
... a few months can make.
My wife, the Notorious HFG, and i just just visited some friends who just welcome a child into the world. This newborn, turns out, has the same specs* that the Notorious HFG had when he was born. He was born about a week ago.
It is remarkable how different their son is to my son. We, humans, are remarkable creatures. How quickly we change and grow and become. It is hard for me to remember what it was like back during those first days. Yet, in an instant, i have a flash and remember all too well. I distinctly remember thinking, "Is he ever gonna get any bigger? What is he gonna be like in a couple of months?"
I think these are universal questions. I looked at that newborn and i am brought back to the sense of wonder and awe. There is so much potential and some future locked in that little body. So many ways to grow and develop into a little person. Part of the story is already available. I see that in my son. I see where and what shape my friend's son is going to go but it is an incomplete picture.
It is too soon to see what kind of personality is hiding in that tiny bundle. Rather, it is not available for the casual eye. The parents probably have gotten some sense of what the child is going to be like. I know my son's temperment and recognized it within the first few hours he was with us. Now, 8 months later, he is still the same with some added features.
The changes are subtle. The changes are great. We don't always see them. It is when someone else remarks and takes notice that we notice some of the more distinct changes. There are the larger changes. The little signposts along the road of his development. Yet, even these larger changes sweep in slowly. By the time they have reach fruition, we've taken them for granted.
It is kind of funny that many changes in my son also reflect changes in me and my wife too. We adapt and have adapted and will continue to do so. In talking with my friend, i remembered thinking about the things that would be changing for me in those early days (daze). My friend asked me if it was hard to hold my son for an extended period of time as he gets heavier and how he was somewhat worried about being able to hold his son like that and bear the strain. I told him that it really wasn't difficult and that there was no other feeling like it in the world.
I realize that when we are first learning to adapt to this new re-ordering, re-organizing of our lives, we view the future's issues (or what we believe to be the future's issues) with our current eyes, without any regards to the unforseen changes we will make for ourselves. We cannot know, truly, how we will change, how we will adapt, how we will develop to re-order, re-organize ourselves in efforts to find balance. It is ever evolving. It is impossible to know what challenges we will directly face and what we will learn from them.
My answer to him was tempered by the profound pleasure and joy i experience when i hold my son. Perhaps i do strain under his weight. Perhaps i react in a way that i would not have thought possible back so many months ago. Yet, i don't really notice the strained muscles when i am in his presence. I do notice my reactions and i try to check them if they seem unwarranted.
Just like his gradual subtle developments, i have become more and more entranced by his simple innocence of being there.
My wife, the Notorious HFG, and i just just visited some friends who just welcome a child into the world. This newborn, turns out, has the same specs* that the Notorious HFG had when he was born. He was born about a week ago.
It is remarkable how different their son is to my son. We, humans, are remarkable creatures. How quickly we change and grow and become. It is hard for me to remember what it was like back during those first days. Yet, in an instant, i have a flash and remember all too well. I distinctly remember thinking, "Is he ever gonna get any bigger? What is he gonna be like in a couple of months?"
I think these are universal questions. I looked at that newborn and i am brought back to the sense of wonder and awe. There is so much potential and some future locked in that little body. So many ways to grow and develop into a little person. Part of the story is already available. I see that in my son. I see where and what shape my friend's son is going to go but it is an incomplete picture.
It is too soon to see what kind of personality is hiding in that tiny bundle. Rather, it is not available for the casual eye. The parents probably have gotten some sense of what the child is going to be like. I know my son's temperment and recognized it within the first few hours he was with us. Now, 8 months later, he is still the same with some added features.
The changes are subtle. The changes are great. We don't always see them. It is when someone else remarks and takes notice that we notice some of the more distinct changes. There are the larger changes. The little signposts along the road of his development. Yet, even these larger changes sweep in slowly. By the time they have reach fruition, we've taken them for granted.
It is kind of funny that many changes in my son also reflect changes in me and my wife too. We adapt and have adapted and will continue to do so. In talking with my friend, i remembered thinking about the things that would be changing for me in those early days (daze). My friend asked me if it was hard to hold my son for an extended period of time as he gets heavier and how he was somewhat worried about being able to hold his son like that and bear the strain. I told him that it really wasn't difficult and that there was no other feeling like it in the world.
I realize that when we are first learning to adapt to this new re-ordering, re-organizing of our lives, we view the future's issues (or what we believe to be the future's issues) with our current eyes, without any regards to the unforseen changes we will make for ourselves. We cannot know, truly, how we will change, how we will adapt, how we will develop to re-order, re-organize ourselves in efforts to find balance. It is ever evolving. It is impossible to know what challenges we will directly face and what we will learn from them.
My answer to him was tempered by the profound pleasure and joy i experience when i hold my son. Perhaps i do strain under his weight. Perhaps i react in a way that i would not have thought possible back so many months ago. Yet, i don't really notice the strained muscles when i am in his presence. I do notice my reactions and i try to check them if they seem unwarranted.
Just like his gradual subtle developments, i have become more and more entranced by his simple innocence of being there.
Chronicles of Mistah Mom, Week 2
Here's what happened via FB posts during my second week as Mistah Mom:
The Chronicles of Mistah Mom, Day 8: Would've enjoyed the springy day but my Boss decided to sleep in today... most of the day. The G Parents Bee have arrived and are intervening. The HFG will go for some fresh air. I will take a nap.
The Chronicles of Mistah Mom, Day 9: I fear that the Notorious HFG may be like me - he rolled over for Jenny but has not done so for me. If he is like me, then he probably figures he did it once and does not need to do it again. Other than this and getting slight bit of the cabin fever, not much else happened today. Just another got peed on, near miss with poop kinda day (which is lot more fun than it seems).
Chronicles of Mistah Mom, Day 10: After an exhausting late night of "why aren't you falling asleep???" the Notorious HFG and i explored the exciting world of the Baby Bjorn (for the childless, its a baby carrying case that you strap on like a backwards parachute). In the process, scared Jenny to ask "Where's the Baby?" I had my back turned so she couldn’t see him strapped to my chest. No duct tape needed.
Chronicles of Mistah Mom, Day 11: It's a great day with the HFG. To be continued...
Chronicles of Mistah Mom, Day 12: As if the Universe needed to balance the good with bad, the Notorious HFG was very, very cranky today. Posssibly due to the weather cancelling our walk (ok, maybe that made me cranky). On the plus side, he rolled over for me (finally!), gave me a great big smile in the PM, and even laugh when i made piggie noises. Kinda worth all the cranky.
The Chronicles of Mistah Mom, Day 8: Would've enjoyed the springy day but my Boss decided to sleep in today... most of the day. The G Parents Bee have arrived and are intervening. The HFG will go for some fresh air. I will take a nap.
The Chronicles of Mistah Mom, Day 9: I fear that the Notorious HFG may be like me - he rolled over for Jenny but has not done so for me. If he is like me, then he probably figures he did it once and does not need to do it again. Other than this and getting slight bit of the cabin fever, not much else happened today. Just another got peed on, near miss with poop kinda day (which is lot more fun than it seems).
Chronicles of Mistah Mom, Day 10: After an exhausting late night of "why aren't you falling asleep???" the Notorious HFG and i explored the exciting world of the Baby Bjorn (for the childless, its a baby carrying case that you strap on like a backwards parachute). In the process, scared Jenny to ask "Where's the Baby?" I had my back turned so she couldn’t see him strapped to my chest. No duct tape needed.
Chronicles of Mistah Mom, Day 11: It's a great day with the HFG. To be continued...
Chronicles of Mistah Mom, Day 12: As if the Universe needed to balance the good with bad, the Notorious HFG was very, very cranky today. Posssibly due to the weather cancelling our walk (ok, maybe that made me cranky). On the plus side, he rolled over for me (finally!), gave me a great big smile in the PM, and even laugh when i made piggie noises. Kinda worth all the cranky.
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