Child's Play

The greatest thing (so far) about being a father is playing with my son.

On any given day, my inner child is allowed out to play.  I rarely restrain him.  I constantly think like I did years ago.  In fact, i kind of forget my age and think i am a lot younger than i really am.  My inner child and i are pretty much equals.  I have poor boundaries and i am not a good disciplinarian to my inner child.  I like stupid jokes and have a tendency to beat them into the ground like a kid would.  I think farts, poop, and anything connected to these things is funny.

See?  I bet the adult in your brain recoiled when you just read what i wrote.

It is hard for me to stay serious for too long when there is a stupid pun floating about or if i think a joke hasn't fully been heard or experienced.  I cannot stop myself too easily.  The primitive, sophomoric humor catches me nearly every time (there are some exceptions).  I admit it, i would easily lose myself in Legos, clay, G.I. Joes, Star Wars action figures, etc. if i was given carte blanche (warn my wife of what is to come with our son!).

It seems to me that it is through attrition that i must present myself as a grown up.

And now, i am a father.

I am supposed to be a role model, too.

Nobody said that just cause you become a dad doesn't mean you can't still have fun.  In fact, i think that being a father to son gives you a greater opportunity to have fun.  I don't mean vicariously.  I mean, real fun.  Fathers are are better suited at rough housing with their sons than mothers are.  Fathers can share a fart or a burp with their son and a knowing eye that "yes, this is not permitted in certain situations but if i give the okay then it is okay."  Fathers can relive in a more visceral way the experience of being a boy with their sons.

Notice i didn't say "through."

I am fully cognizant of how it feels to have been a "boy."  There is still quite a bit of memory there.  I still remember and feel the experience of 'games' my father would play with my brothers and i.  There was there odd idiosyncratic sense of humor about these games that has left an indelible mark upon me.  The sense of whimsy and the sense of the absurd shaped my appreciation for the world in ways i can't fully explain.

Now, as a father, i want to be able to convey that same sense to my son.

I think, and i don't have any research to back me up so it's partly speculation, that acting silly as a father helps loosen a rigidity in a child's sense of how things are.  It helps establish their sense of creativity.  It fosters their imagination.  It sets the stage for them to look at the world in an unconventional way, unrestrained by the expected norms but not against those norms.  There are certain expectations that still need to be adhered to.

I think that ultimately through 'play' a son's sense of how the world works is established.  Good play does not get hindered by the restraints of social order.  Good play allows freedom.  Good play allows rules, conventional wisdoms to be broken and reinvented.  Good play promotes imagination which allows for a loosening of the rigidity of reality which in turn promote creative problem solving, as well as flexibility, to take root.

When i play with my son, like the philosophy geek that i am, i keep these things in mind.  I aim to promote his creativity (which, incidentally, is not hard to do).

Yet, there is another piece that happens often.

I need to keep myself in check, to not let my inner child run rampant upon his playtime.  I learned this lesson quick.  Play time is about him, not me.  He runs the game, the play, the activity as it happens.  I relinquish control.  I ask him what he wants me to do.  I reinforce his autonomy.  I reinforce his independence.  I am subservient to his whim.  I do not impose my ego (or try not to) upon his play.  I try not to harbor any regrets about the past denials of his asking when i was too busy.  I try to stay mindful of my position and what lessons i want him to understand from our time.

Just in case you are thinking i am being all Frasier Crane on him, i am not.

I do not verbalize or analyze in front of him.  I, at a bare minimum, attempt to breakdown for him what is happening.  I only do this when it is an important message i am hoping he will understand.  When i am playing with him, i am just doing exactly that, playing with him.  I stay in the here and now.    

As adults (especially ones who are not engaged in any meditative/mindfulness practices), it is hard to stay fully present with a child who is playing and using their imagination with raw abandon.  we have gotten too caught up in the rigors of convention in our days.  There is much to do and many reasons to step away and "take care of [something seemingly important]."  I fight myself often with the idea that i could be doing "x" instead of sitting pretending to be such-and such or give voice to one of his Lego guys.  I have to remind myself that his asking signifies my importance in his life.  So i sit and i stay.  I want him to continue to invite me in to his playtime. I do not want to be an adversive to this idea.

Only recently has he allowed me more greater access to his play time.  This is an opportunity i will not miss.  It allows me greater access to his little brain and provides the opportunity for the lessons i wish to impart.  It helps me get to know him better.

It also helps me to get to know myself better, too.