Mindin' the Mindful

I am sitting way too long.

My legs have just gone numb. In fact,my feet have fallen asleep. you know that pins and needles thing? Yup, it's happening. I can't move though. My thoughts keep drifting. I am trying not to fall asleep. How many more minutes will this go on? Will i be able to stand and walk? The quiet is deafening. I am trying to focus and concentrated.

Random thoughts keep intruding.

Need.
To.
Keep.
My.
Back.
Straight.

Agony.

Why did i do this? What made me think this was going to be good? How long can my body endure this torture of non-movement? Oh no. I have an itch. Oh. No. Effin'. Way.

Can't scratch.

Can't scratch it.

Ride it out.

Ride it out.

When will it be over?

*****************************************************************************

So, the above scenario? What do you think i am talking about?

Is it:

a) sitting with an infant who vomits her latest feeding at any slight jostle (i swear she has a mercury switch inside of her that triggers these eruptions)?
b) sitting zazen in a very warm zendo with very little air current?
c) sitting in a slowly deteriorating glider waiting for a small human who consumed WAY too much cake and candy (Ok, yeah, it there such a thing, all ye "sugar induced mania is a myth" nay-sayers? Ask me and i will gladly hand over late night watch duties to you and you can try to keep pace with his nonsensical toddler-speak)?
d) Playing hide and seek with a yeti.

The answers:

If you guessed, a) sitting very still with a very potentially propulsive bundle of joy, you would be correct.

If you guessed, b) sitting zazen for 25 minutes, you would also be correct.

If you guessed, c) sitting waiting for a little boy who has eaten his weight in sugary goodness and chocolate and has yet to fall asleep after 3 rotations of the night time musical selection of Rockabye Baby's Metallica offerings (which is awesome by the way, my wife was startled to "hear" the original versions of the songs), you would also be correct.

The yeti answer i would not know if it is right or wrong.

Having experienced 3 out of 4 of these scenarios i am struck by how similar they are to each other. I had no idea that i would endure the same anguish as a parent as i would sitting zazen. It should have prepared me but nothing really can prepare you. In fact, that is kind of the point of zazen, in the negative cast. Every experience is a new experience. Every moment of sitting zazen is a new one.

I am getting ahead of myself.

First, i must confess, i am a terrible Buddhist.

I don't practice enough. I don't really belong to a sangha (the Zen Buddhist community of practitioners). I don't have a teacher outside of books. Annoyingly, i am a quick read. I grasp points quickly, so Zen was quickly easy to intellectually understand - which of course is a terrible thing to do, without practicing and being an actual participant. Of course, I was also terrible at sitting zazen.

What was less terrible was that i have (and continue to) apply what i learned from my brief exposure to the actual practice of Zen Buddhism to my life. In fact, it is probably the only reason that i am reasonably sane. It has given me a better sense of perspective...

Wait.

You're not here for a self (or non-self, some Buddhist humor, har har) grandizing / confessional tell all blah blah blah blog. You're here for...

Well, what ever. You have your reasons.

Back to point.
(If i digress again, i blame the lovely trappist oak aged quadrupel ale i am consuming - it was a long day)

The awareness i was and have experienced is due to a focused perception of attention, commonly referred to as "mindfulness." Apparently, a little mindfulness goes a LONG way. In an bit of a twist, the evaluative experience of mindfulness is totally contingent upon context and perspective - as is evidenced by my negative ones mentioned already. Yet, and i am kind of getting ahead of myself again, this is part of the experience. It is neither negative nor positive. It just is. We add that value coloring to it in our interpretations of the experience.

The positive side of mindfulness can come in the form of dealing with an overtired toddler who is determined to do whatever he can to the family cat, who has been pretty easy going so far, and your response to his (the toddler's actions, the cat would be fully justified).
Yes. I yelled.
Yes. I then realized that i was attempting speak to him as an adult who has their executive functions intact. Yes. He responded by crying and becoming extremely upset. Once deterred from wreaking havoc upon the cat, he became overwhelmed by a task of putting some Legos together (a skill which i once had but adulthood has determined unnecessary and my brain pared those neurons down) and i yelled at him unfairly.

Then i stopped.

I awoke.

I realized that he was tired and any little thing would set him off. Being mindful, i altered my intervention. I slowed my mind. I slowed my interaction. I reminded myself (or non-self, har har) that if i was him - and any good Buddhist would tell you that i am him and he is me - how would i want my daddy to respond to me? I changed my approach. I softened myself. I loosened myself to become more unconditional and accepting. I hugged him.

He initially resisted. He struggled against my softer side but then relented. He allowed me to be present to his frustration. Yes, he's a toddler but he was tired and needed solace and understanding. Even if he could not articulate those sophisticated thoughts and values, he needed them as much as i could provide. He was able to put the pieces together as he was wanting to do.

Without any experience of mindfulness, any awareness of my own responses to his behaviors, i would have made matters worse and attempted to force and struggle with him. He would have resisted and we would have fought. He would have gone to bed for his nap and i would have had the emotional strain heavy on my breast. More importantly, i would not have listened to him. I would have added to the long establish standard of "parents just don't understand." He would not think to communicate with me his frustrations in the future.

Maybe not.

Maybe i am overestimating this. Exaggerating this interaction's impact years to come.

But why take the chance?

By paying attention, being attentive to my own responses to his behaviors, i can adapt. I can adjust. I can demonstrate the example. After all, i firmly believe that fathers are the standard by which the sons will follow. I am not my father but he left an indelible (positive) mark upon me. I want to be him and more. I want my son to be confident and have an awareness of his impact (not neurotically mind you) on others.

As such, i need to be mindful.

As a terrible Buddhist, this will be easy/hard to do.

As a father, well, we'll see.

After all, i got two little girls to contend with yet...