Enter Sandman, Enter life...

"So, you getting any sleep yet?"

I always have difficulty answering this question.

It is the same question as "How are you?" but for new parents. It is the question that is frequently asked when people hear or see that i have twins. Yes. I now have twins. At last post, i only had one kid. A boy. He is now three and a half years old. Time flies. Now, i have twin girls. Girls! Don't get me started on this one.

oh.

Wait.

That's the purpose of restarting this blog, to start jotting down my thoughts and 'meditations' as they were about being a dad. I have had some time and some experience now about being a dad. At least, a singleton dad. Now, i am in the big leagues as it were. Two little girls have entered my life and i am a whole lot more a dad than i was before. I could really go crazy with how things have changed and how my life has changed (again) in these past three years but i won't.

"So, you sleeping yet?"

Such a terrible question.

Impossible to answer in a succinct way. The questioner is gonna regret asking. It is a key that fits into a lock that holds the roiling mass of sleep deprived hysteria that could consume them at bay. The asker does not have an inkling of a clue as to what they are asking. They are just being polite but really don't want the confession.

My father-in-law and i were in a playground the other day and i was asked this question by a stranger, whose children were gallivanting and cavorting about. I felt like it was a pop quiz, a test of my ability to respond in a social appropriate way.

But i babbled a nonsensical answer.

I failed the social interaction pop quiz.

It seems rather unfair to be asked how you are sleeping as a new parent. Especially by other parents. Of course i am not getting any sleep, dumb ass! Remember your first days, months with a new born??? No sleep! Not for you! Not for the baby! The midnight feedings! The unhappy cries because of soiled diapers in the night! The Mission Impossible task of getting the diaper off and a new one on before the child realizes what's happening and really wakes up! The double bind of "do i or don't i" when faced with these scenarios! It goes on... The quintessential parental first days that we struggle through.

Why ask?!?

Now, twins to that mix!

No sleep squared. All the issues squared. Sleep becomes a particular dilemma. All the rules go out the window.

If you are the only one with them, the twins, (and you will be in the middle of night because your significant other needs to get some sleep to be the coherent one in the morning) then you need to figure out a way to feed them both at the same time. They will, at one point, wake up at the same time. Hungry. Ravenous. Howling like a winterstarved wolf pack on the bloodtrail of a wounded elk. If you happened to be attempting to sleep at that time, well i feel for you. I've been there (and will surely be there again).

The well intentioned opinionators will offer "Get them on a schedule" and *POOF* problem solved.

In theory, a schedule is a good idea - during the day. It makes things easier and less hectic. If you are lucky (and i count my lucky stars ALL the time), you will have some help with them. A routine, a schedule will make things flow. Both are eating at the same time. They are napping at the same time. There is some awesome synchronized burp action going on. Life is good.

Until.

Until night time and it is just you versus them.

And

And they are on a schedule.

Both wake hungry.

Both wake cranky.

Both wake demanding your full on attention.

It is a for real lady or the tiger scenario.

They are howling as you rub the sleep from you sleep deprived eyes, try to get your cognitive functions in order, and deal with it. If you have a boppy pillow, then you will quickly plop them into it. You will grab the bottles, that have been pre-prepared for this midnight feed and VOILA! They are being fed and you can take comfort in your success!

Except.

Except that it does not go down this way.

They wake screaming.

You wake startled, trying to get your bearings, your discomfort is cast aside as your nervous system is screaming in sympathy to their screams. There is a reason why baby cries get on our nerves. Once you get your autonomic responses under control, you grab the one that is crying the most and get 'em in the boppy. Then you get the other. Then, the next thing is placement. You have to hold two bottles at the same time to feed the two at the same time. They need to be in a position that make it easy to do this.

Sleep will impair your cognitive reason abilities though.

You cannot reason with an infant, let alone two. They won't understand the shifting of the boppy to facilitate best delivery of the bottle. All they know is hunger and the delayed gratification of this need. All they know is to cry and howl louder to communicate that you are failing to respond.

You'll be scrambling to calm them but only a bottle will do.

Except.

Except now one twin has gulped down enough air to create a wonderful gas bubble which will prevent them from accepting a bottle until they are burped. So, you either burp amidst the screaming of the non-gaseous one or you feed the one and try to figure out a way to burp the other.

Now, try to keep your calm. This is especially hard to do if there has been several sleep deprived nights or if you have some 'stuff' hanging onto you. You will feel as though your competency and capability as a parent is called into question. It will be your greatest challenge. Time will slow down. The screaming will seem to go on forever. It will never end no matter what you do.

Except.

Except that it won't.

The one will let finally out a huge (gratifying) burp. The feeding will resume. Your ears will stop ringing. The quiet will be interspersed with soft gulps. And if you are so lucky, once fed, the sleepy little ones will give you a beatific smile and you will feel redeemed. One may even babble at you. You may forget how tired you are (and that's really just the adrenaline shooting through your bloodstream) and babble back. A quick flash of someone, a relative most likely, saying, "You don't want to wake them... it makes it harder for them to fall back asleep..." runs through your head. You dismiss this because this is the reward. This is what makes you forget the screams, the howls.

Until you realize it is 3 AM, only 20 minutes have elapsed upon the waking, and it may take the next hour to get them to fall back asleep.

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It is amazing how one can function on certain amounts of sleep. Especially little punctuated amounts.

Actually, the trick is massive amounts of coffee. And In-Laws or parents that are there to help out during the day. My wife and i have been most certainly running on deficits. My first thought in the morning that is non-twin related or child related is about coffee. I think about how fast i can get those beans ground and how much brain power will i need to get this task accomplished.

After coffee, i can face the day. My next thought is "I hope they take a long nap so i can nap too." Unless, i have something i need to do. These afternoon naps are immensely satisfying and rejuvenating. They are especially good if one of the twins falls asleep on me. I am doomed when that happens.

Then the day progresses and i deal. Then night time arrives and as the sun sets, i fret a little about what the night will hold. Will they sleep? Have i been successful in keeping them ever so slightly off schedule to facilitate an easier feeding experience? Will i get enough sleep to function tomorrow? Can i get them to sleep on a feed long enough so my wife can get enough sleep herself (a form of self-sacrifice of sleep)?

On schedule may be good during the day, but off schedule, ever so slightly is better for the night. Although, it is a double edged sword. Off schedule means longer wake time for you as you feed one then the other, decreasing any available sleep time for you. Yet, you will only contend with one at a time. In theory.

So, when someone, anyone asks, "You getting any sleep?"

How would you respond?